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"CHOPPERS RULE!!"

DVD 3

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For those who missed all the excitement, we present the saga of the Harley Choppers as it appeared here on haircut.net

We present the story in chronological order- it makes more sense that way.

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PRISONERS ESCAPE!!

POLICE REQUEST PUBLIC'S HELP!!

By

Jackson Van Der Squeazin

Local and State officials are requesting the assistance of the public in locating a pair of escapees from Folsom Women's Prison, just outside Sacramento, last evening.

The couple, part of the infamous "Harley Choppers" gang, has been serving a 10 year sentence for assault, kidnapping, and mayhem, following their arrest in early 2001. The couple is described as:

Polly Tallywacker, age 24, 5 feet 7 inches tall, weighs 125 pounds, blonde hair, blue eyes. She likes long walks in the yard, poetry, Ginsu knives and action movies.

Hope Simpson (no relation to O.J.), age 26, 5 feet 10 inches tall, weighs 118 pounds, waist length blonde hair, blue eyes. She likes romantic dinners, massages and "anything that cuts."

Warden J.J. Voyeur issued a "Be on the lookout" for these individuals, following their escape Friday. The convicts were able to sneak out of the Prison's west field, while cutting the grass, walking past the sole guard on duty at the far end of the gate they exited from.

Prison Psyciatrist, Dr. Syd Down, told me: "I cautioned the staff about this couple's predelection towards anything which cuts, and what do they do? They give them lawn mowers!"

The whereabouts of the pair remain unknown as no leads or physical evidence exists.

When informed of the escape, Governor Arnold Schwartzennegger stated that the State Police would pursue all leads, no matter how stupid, and that "Dey vill be caught." He reassured the public "Don't vurry. DEY'LL BE BACK!"

Police suspect the couple had "help from the outside," as a vehicle described as a "white van" was seen speeding from the scene of the escape minutes after Tallywacker and Simpson slipped away.

The couple gained national notoriety in 2001 in a series of crimes by their gang, known as the "Harley Choppers," in which they kidnapped their victims and held them for ransom. In several cases, the couple made DVDs showing their victims having their hair cut, and then the DVDs and the hair were mailed to police.

While in prison, Tallywacker studied hairstyling and became a "Prison Barber," while Simpson studied small engine repair and wrote a book called "How to Fix that Thingie that Makes the Lawn Mower Work," which got as high as Number 6 on the New York Times Bestseller List.

The couple is considered "ARMED AND EXTREMELY DANGEROUS"

In the event that anyone sees these two escapees, they are urged not to confront them, but to call police immediately!!

Editor's Note- Choppers Rule!! is a fictional DVD featuring haircutting and headshaving. Everyone who had their hair cut did so voluntarily. No "Buff Babes" were harmed in the making of this DVD. Also, Arnold Schwartzenegger does not appear in this DVD. Neither does Paris Hilton, though we wish she did.

SUSPECTS SPOTTED DURING

BREAK IN AT BEAUTY SUPPLY

Two escapees from Folsom Women's Prison, along with two other suspects, were spotted yesterday at the scene of a break in at a beauty supply store in San Francisco. The escapees, Polly Tallywacker and Hope Simpson, along with two unidentified males, were spotted as they slipped out the back door of Krewcuts Beauty Supply at about 4 p.m. Store manager Dewey Screwem stated that "a horseload" of beauty supplies were taken in the burglary, including scissors and clippers. "They went for the high end stuff," said Screwem, "Really high priced scissors and clippers."

Police are also investigating reports of several missing persons who disappeared in the San Francisco area under mysterious circumstances.

One of the missing, Tina Twinkie, heiress to the Hostess Twinkie fortune, is among the missing. Police fear that the missing may be held for ransom.

The escapees, members of the gang known as the Harley Choppers, are known to abduct their victims and cut their hair and send the hair (along with DVDtapes of their haircuts) to police as proof that they are holding their captives.

$1,000,000 REWARD FOR RECAPTURE OF ESCAPEES

The Governor's office announced that a $1,000,000 reward is being offered for information leading to the recapture of the escapees. In a written statement, Governor Arnold Schwartzennegger, said, "We wish it could be more, but the State is short of money, so all we can offer is $1 million."

CHOPPERS RULE, COPS DROOL

You can add Defacing Public Property to the growing litany of crimes committed by the Harley Choppers.

They spray painted "CHOPPERS RULE, COPS DROOL" along with a caricature of a bald woman on the front of Police Headquarters and underneath their artwork they left a DVDtape showing Hope Simpson mercilessly chopping off the hair of heiress Tina Twinkie.

During her haircut, Tina tried to fight off her attacker, but Simpson just smiled, grabbed Twinkie's head, and continued chopping off her hair with scissors, and then with clippers.

"We're obviously dealing with a sadistic personality," said Police Chief O'Hara.

"Every time the poor girl tried to save her hair, Simpson grabbed her and smiled as she kept cutting her hair," said O'Hara. "And those eyes!! Those cold blue eyes!! This woman won't stop until we catch her!!"

Along with the DVDtape, police found a ransom note saying "Pay us 5 million bucks or the Twinkie gets it!!"

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PRESSURE MOUNTS ON GOVERNOR

Meanwhile, pressure mounted for Governor Arnold Schwartzennegger to "Do Something," as hundreds of protesters marched on the Capital Building in Sacramento with signs saying "Do Something." The protesters spanned the political spectrum, including the newly formed "GLCAI" (Gay and Lesbian Coalition Against Inactivity), and the organization known as "RAEP" (Republicans Against Escaped Prisoners.)

All agreed that the time has come for the Governor to "Do Something."

During the protest march, the protesters were surprised when Governor Arnold Schwartzennegger came out to talk to them. "We're doing everything we can," Schwartzennegger told the protesters. "As a victim of many bad haircuts, I sympathize with the victims," he told the crowd. "We're doing all we can to free the victims of these HAIRRORISTS."

WOMEN WITH LONG HAIR TOLD TO STAY INSIDE

Police are warning all women with long hair to "stay inside" and if they need to go out, to "travel in groups."

The Harley Choppers are known to abduct women with long hair, and staying indoors is considered a good defense against abduction.

POLICE INUNDATED WITH LEADS-

CLAIM THEY "ALMOST GOT THE CHOPPERS"

The police have received hundreds of reports of sightings of the Harley Choppers. "Most are just girls who got bad haircuts at these $8 places. Others are just trying to collect the reward money. I don't want to say too much, but let's just say that we're getting some inside information," said Chief O'Hara, "but we're pursuing all leads and we will catch these criminals," said Chief O'Hara.

Chief O'Hara reported that a "good lead" came in last night with detailed information about the Choppers whereabouts, but when police arrived at the location, they were minutes too late.

"We almost had 'em last night," said O'Hara, "But they're very clever."

"I WANT YOU"

Governor Arnold Schwartzennegger has personally taken over the investigation of the Harley Choppers. "I want you to help me find the Choppers," he announced to the Citizens of California, as he left Sacramento on- of all things- a Harley Chopper, on his way to San Francisco. "If you see the Choppers, I want you to call me on my cell phone. The number is 1-888-SCH-WART"

Californians were pleasantly shocked at the "hands on" approach the new governor is taking to this crime wave.

"Have you seen the Choppers?" Arnold asks a kid walking down the street.

"No, man, but if I do I'll call you," says the kid.

"Good!" says the Governor, "And do your homework!!"

The Governor's security detail was extremely concerned about the Governor going out looking for the Choppers without bodyguards.

"Don't worry about me," he smiled, "I'LL BE BACK."

MORE EVIDENCE OF CHOPPER ATROCITIES-

MANY WOMEN TAKING MATTERS INTO THEIR OWN HANDS

Police received several more DVDs from the Harley Choppers showing them brutalizing their kidnap victims by cutting off their hair.

A ransom note came with one of the DVDs saying "We want 5 million dollars for the release of each of these girls. Payment instructions to follow."

These DVDs are graphic in their detail, showing the women crying as their captors torment them by cutting off their hair.

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Shown here is Lee LePew, who has been missing for 4 days. She was reported missing by her father, film star Pepe LePew, and now police have confirmed that she is a captive of the Harley Choppers.
One of the DVDs received by police shows LePew being forced to brush her hair before it is chopped off by her captors.
Here, poor Lee is shown- very upset- as the clippers chop off her hair.

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The DVDs reveal at least 4 gang members giving haircuts to the victims, including Frieda Fryem, outspoken advocate of capital punishment.
Several of the victims are shorn by Hope Simpson, recent escapee from Folsom Women's Prison.
In several of the DVDs, the kidnap victim tries to get away, but Hope Simpson is quick to grab them and continue cutting off their hair.

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The gang favors victims with long blonde hair, and many women have been lining up at local beauty shops to have their hair cut short lest they be captured by the Choppers.
Even cheapo salons that give $8 haircuts have been inundated with women ordering short haircuts.

Said one woman exiting such a shop, "Hey, an $8 haircut is a small price to pay for not getting captured by these thugs..

Still others, too afraid that they will be kidnapped on the way to the beauty shop, have taken matters into their own hands, cutting off their long hair at home.
Here, the gang cuts Stormy Starbuck's hair- the heiress to the Starbuck Coffee fortune.

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"THEY'VE GOT MIA"

Mia Twinkie became so enraged at the capture and shearing of her sister Tina that she went out to try to find Tina and rescue her from the evil Choppers. Rather than rescue Tina, Mia was captured by the Choppers and is now held prisoner by them. In a DVDtape dropped off in the "Quick Return" slot at a Blockbuster DVD in the Tenderloin District, Mia is shown having her head shaved by escaped con Hope Simpson.

The girls' mother, Suzie Twinkie, was so upset after hearing the news that she fainted.

"I plead to the kidnappers to release my daughters," she said. "They're good girls and they haven't done anything to harm you. Please let them go," said Mrs. Twinkie.

Mia is shown here crying as her head is shaved by Hope Simpson. When she squirmed and tried to get away, Simpson just grabbed hold of her head and kept cutting her hair.

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PRISON INTERVIEWS REVEAL NEW CLUES

ABOUT THE MASTERMIND OF THE CHOPPERS

By Cubbie Porter

This reporter interviewed several inmates at the prison the Harley Choppers escaped from, and learned details about a new suspect that may have been overlooked by police.

Several inmates said, "It was Charlie- he's using mind control on Polly and Hope." When asked if they meant Charlie Manson, they said, "No, Charlie Munson of the Indiana Munsons."

Apparently Charlie Munson, a former inmate at Folsom Prison, befriended Hope Simpson while incarcerated there, and has been visiting her on Visiting Day each week for the past few months.

Friends of Polly and Hope said "Charlie was definitely using mind control- let's face it- those two girls aren't exactly the sharpest tools in the shed."

Hope's cellmate added, "Look at the name of her book- would a criminal mastermind call an engine a THINGIE?" Polly's cellmate, sporting a fresh crewcut, said, "Polly just likes to cut people's hair. She does a great job and never charges a penny. She would never cut someone's hair without their permission. If she's involved in kidnapping, it's not her idea- Charlie's got to be behind it."

Research into the background of Charlie Munson revealed a checkered past. Born in Austria as Sigmund Gruber, he grew up, ironically enough, not far from where Arnold Schwartzennegger grew up. Sigmund was a brilliant student, and wanted to go to become a psychologist, but his parents urged him to follow the family business and become a hairdresser.

He dropped out of beauty school and became a petty thief and purse snatcher, and was known as "Shatzie the Scherrer," because he liked to cut off the ponytails of his victims. When the family moved to Indiana when Sigmund was 21, they changed their name from Gruber to Munson, and Sigmund changed from "Shatzie" to "Charlie."

Charlie quickly became known to police as a small time hood and bounced in and out of jail for a series of petty offences. He moved to California and continued his life of crime, and spent three years in Folsom Prison for burglary and armed robbery. He was released from Folsom on Parole about three months ago. When asked about Charlie's whereabouts, his Parole Officer, Quincy Magoo, said "I haven't seen him."

POLLY SHAVED IN ACT OF REVENGE
In the latest DVD delivered to police, the Harley Choppers are seen shaving the head of Polly Tallywacker in an act of revenge for Polly providing information to the Governor on the whereabouts of the Choppers.

Police have hinted for several days that they were getting "inside information," and that they nearly captured the Choppers on Wednesday night. Now it turns out that Polly Tallywacker was the one who provided the information to police.

Hope Simpson is seen in the DVD, mercilessly chopping off Polly's hair. She starts out with scissors, chopping Polly's hair short, and then despire Polly's pleadings, Hope takes the clippers and clips off all of Polly's gorgeous long blonde hair.

Tallywacker is now believed to be one of 8 women held captive by the Choppers, and police fear she may be killed for providing information about the Choppers.

Thousands of police officers are going house to house searching the city for the Choppers, but so far neither the Choppers or their captives have been found.

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CHARLIE MUNSON SOUGHT-

LEADER OF THE CHOPPERS

MASQUERADING AS A POLICE OFFICER

By Cubbie Porter

Police have released the above photo of Charlie Munson taken by police surveillance cameras in front of Police Headquarters last Thursday evening at the time one of the infamous "Harley Choppers" DVDs was dropped off in front of police headquarters.

Police Chief O'Hara personally thanked this reporter for developing information linking Munson with the Choppers, and possibly being their mastermind. Apparently, Munson obtained a police uniform and has been monitoring police radio frequencies, which has helped the gang stay one step ahead of the law during their crime wave. It's also possible that Munson overheard police radio conversations identifyling Polly Tallywacker as the informant that provided information as to the gang's whereabouts last Wednesday. When police arrived at the gang's hangout, they were minutes too late, but captured much evidence indicating the gang had been there.

Other gang members have been identified by police as "Mongo" and "Fast Eddie," but police had no photos of these gang members.

AMAZING RESCUE OPERATION AMID FIERY GUN BATTLE

HOSTAGES SAFE- POLLY HAILED AS HERO

Eight female hostages held by the infamous Harley Choppers gang are safe after an audacious rescue. Governor Arnold Schwartzennegger led the rescue after receiving a call from Polly Tallywacker with the location of the Choppers. The Governor and police fought a running gun battle with several members of the Choppers, including gang leader Charlie Munson.

"Polly was a big help," said the Governor. "She could have escaped by herself, but she knocked out one of the gang members and led the hostages to safety." Asked if Polly would be returned to prison, the Governor said it was up to the court system, but that he would testify on Polly's behalf.

The gang was hiding in the basement of a vacant office building. The building was destroyed during the battle between police and the Choppers, and three of the gang members was wounded, one critically. Police reports indicate the wounded are Mark "Mongo" Brooks, 27, former Folsom Prison inmate, Edward "Fast Eddie" DeLongo, age 25, and Anthony LeFleur, also known as "Tony the Schnoz." While police believe Charlie Munson was wounded in the battle, he remains at large, along with Hope Simpson, escapee from Folsom Women's Prison.

The Governor, who favors gun control, took an array of weapons into the battle, citing the motto of the Austrian Boy Scouts, "Be Prepared."

When asked how he could use such weapons while favoring gun control, the Governor said, "To me gun control means using both hands. Now get out of my way- I've had a long day and I want to take a shvitz."

During the battle, a propane tank exploded, destroying the office building and breaking windows in adjacent buildings. It is unclear whether police gunfire or the Choppers caused the explosion. None of the hostages was hurt in the explosion- they were secreted to safety by Polly Tallywacker just moments before the gunfight broke out.
Several of the gang members, dressed as policemen, and believed to be planning more hostage taking, were burned in the explosion. All 3 were being held in the prison unit at County Hospital under heavy police guard while being treated for their wounds.
Charlie Munson is shown here watching his hopes of riches from the kidnapping spree go up in smoke. Governor Schwartzennegger promised to track down Munson "no matter how long it takes."

In the meantime, the Governor was being praised for his "Hands On" approach to the crisis, and for the safe return of the hostages.

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Editor's Note: This DVD is a fictional work. The actors and actresses appearing in this DVD are professionals. No "Buff Babes" were harmed in the making of this DVD. Arnold Schwartzenegger does not appear in this DVD. Three of the girls in this DVD have their hair clipped off to the scalp- Polly Tallywacker, Mia Twinkie and Frieda Fryem. The other girls got "bob" haircuts, and Tina Twinkie got a buzz cut.

We at HAIRCUT.NET do not condone giving anyone a haircut without permission. It's illegal, and it's immoral. If you want to give someone a haircut, ask for permission!!

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