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For those who missed all the excitement, we present the saga of the Harley Choppers as it appeared here on haircut.net
We present the story in chronological order- it makes more sense that way.
POLICE REQUEST PUBLIC'S HELP!!
Jackson Van Der Squeazin
Local and State officials are requesting the assistance of the public in locating a pair of escapees from Folsom Women's Prison, just outside Sacramento, last evening.
The couple, part of the infamous "Harley Choppers" gang, has been serving a 10 year sentence for assault, kidnapping, and mayhem, following their arrest in early 2001. The couple is described as:
Polly Tallywacker, age 24, 5 feet 7 inches tall, weighs 125 pounds, blonde hair, blue eyes. She likes long walks in the yard, poetry, Ginsu knives and action movies.
Hope Simpson (no relation to O.J.), age 26, 5 feet 10 inches tall, weighs 118 pounds, waist length blonde hair, blue eyes. She likes romantic dinners, massages and "anything that cuts."
Warden J.J. Voyeur issued a "Be on the lookout" for these individuals, following their escape Friday. The convicts were able to sneak out of the Prison's west field, while cutting the grass, walking past the sole guard on duty at the far end of the gate they exited from.
Prison Psyciatrist, Dr. Syd Down, told me: "I cautioned the staff about this couple's predelection towards anything which cuts, and what do they do? They give them lawn mowers!"
The whereabouts of the pair remain unknown as no leads or physical evidence exists.
When informed of the escape, Governor Arnold Schwartzennegger stated that the State Police would pursue all leads, no matter how stupid, and that "Dey vill be caught." He reassured the public "Don't vurry. DEY'LL BE BACK!"
Police suspect the couple had "help from the outside," as a vehicle described as a "white van" was seen speeding from the scene of the escape minutes after Tallywacker and Simpson slipped away.
The couple gained national notoriety in 2001 in a series of crimes by their gang, known as the "Harley Choppers," in which they kidnapped their victims and held them for ransom. In several cases, the couple made DVDs showing their victims having their hair cut, and then the DVDs and the hair were mailed to police.
While in prison, Tallywacker studied hairstyling and became a "Prison Barber," while Simpson studied small engine repair and wrote a book called "How to Fix that Thingie that Makes the Lawn Mower Work," which got as high as Number 6 on the New York Times Bestseller List.
The couple is considered "ARMED AND EXTREMELY DANGEROUS"
In the event that anyone sees these two escapees, they are urged not to confront them, but to call police immediately!!
Editor's Note- Choppers Rule!! is a fictional DVD featuring haircutting and headshaving. Everyone who had their hair cut did so voluntarily. No "Buff Babes" were harmed in the making of this DVD. Also, Arnold Schwartzenegger does not appear in this DVD. Neither does Paris Hilton, though we wish she did.
SUSPECTS SPOTTED DURING
BREAK IN AT BEAUTY SUPPLY
Two escapees from Folsom Women's Prison, along with two other suspects, were spotted yesterday at the scene of a break in at a beauty supply store in San Francisco. The escapees, Polly Tallywacker and Hope Simpson, along with two unidentified males, were spotted as they slipped out the back door of Krewcuts Beauty Supply at about 4 p.m. Store manager Dewey Screwem stated that "a horseload" of beauty supplies were taken in the burglary, including scissors and clippers. "They went for the high end stuff," said Screwem, "Really high priced scissors and clippers."
Police are also investigating reports of several missing persons who disappeared in the San Francisco area under mysterious circumstances.
One of the missing, Tina Twinkie, heiress to the Hostess Twinkie fortune, is among the missing. Police fear that the missing may be held for ransom.
The escapees, members of the gang known as the Harley Choppers, are known to abduct their victims and cut their hair and send the hair (along with DVDtapes of their haircuts) to police as proof that they are holding their captives.
$1,000,000 REWARD FOR RECAPTURE OF ESCAPEES
The Governor's office announced that a $1,000,000 reward is being offered for information leading to the recapture of the escapees. In a written statement, Governor Arnold Schwartzennegger, said, "We wish it could be more, but the State is short of money, so all we can offer is $1 million."
CHOPPERS RULE, COPS DROOL
PRESSURE MOUNTS ON GOVERNOR
Meanwhile, pressure mounted for Governor Arnold Schwartzennegger to "Do Something," as hundreds of protesters marched on the Capital Building in Sacramento with signs saying "Do Something." The protesters spanned the political spectrum, including the newly formed "GLCAI" (Gay and Lesbian Coalition Against Inactivity), and the organization known as "RAEP" (Republicans Against Escaped Prisoners.)
All agreed that the time has come for the Governor to "Do Something."
During the protest march, the protesters were surprised when Governor Arnold Schwartzennegger came out to talk to them. "We're doing everything we can," Schwartzennegger told the protesters. "As a victim of many bad haircuts, I sympathize with the victims," he told the crowd. "We're doing all we can to free the victims of these HAIRRORISTS."
WOMEN WITH LONG HAIR TOLD TO STAY INSIDE
Police are warning all women with long hair to "stay inside" and if they need to go out, to "travel in groups."
The Harley Choppers are known to abduct women with long hair, and staying indoors is considered a good defense against abduction.
POLICE INUNDATED WITH LEADS-
CLAIM THEY "ALMOST GOT THE CHOPPERS"
The police have received hundreds of reports of sightings of the Harley Choppers. "Most are just girls who got bad haircuts at these $8 places. Others are just trying to collect the reward money. I don't want to say too much, but let's just say that we're getting some inside information," said Chief O'Hara, "but we're pursuing all leads and we will catch these criminals," said Chief O'Hara.
Chief O'Hara reported that a "good lead" came in last night with detailed information about the Choppers whereabouts, but when police arrived at the location, they were minutes too late.
"We almost had 'em last night," said O'Hara, "But they're very clever."
"I WANT YOU"
MORE EVIDENCE OF CHOPPER ATROCITIES-
MANY WOMEN TAKING MATTERS INTO THEIR OWN HANDS
"THEY'VE GOT MIA"
PRISON INTERVIEWS REVEAL NEW CLUES
ABOUT THE MASTERMIND OF THE CHOPPERS
By Cubbie Porter
This reporter interviewed several inmates at the prison the Harley Choppers escaped from, and learned details about a new suspect that may have been overlooked by police.
Several inmates said, "It was Charlie- he's using mind control on Polly and Hope." When asked if they meant Charlie Manson, they said, "No, Charlie Munson of the Indiana Munsons."
Apparently Charlie Munson, a former inmate at Folsom Prison, befriended Hope Simpson while incarcerated there, and has been visiting her on Visiting Day each week for the past few months.
Friends of Polly and Hope said "Charlie was definitely using mind control- let's face it- those two girls aren't exactly the sharpest tools in the shed."
Hope's cellmate added, "Look at the name of her book- would a criminal mastermind call an engine a THINGIE?" Polly's cellmate, sporting a fresh crewcut, said, "Polly just likes to cut people's hair. She does a great job and never charges a penny. She would never cut someone's hair without their permission. If she's involved in kidnapping, it's not her idea- Charlie's got to be behind it."
Research into the background of Charlie Munson revealed a checkered past. Born in Austria as Sigmund Gruber, he grew up, ironically enough, not far from where Arnold Schwartzennegger grew up. Sigmund was a brilliant student, and wanted to go to become a psychologist, but his parents urged him to follow the family business and become a hairdresser.
He dropped out of beauty school and became a petty thief and purse snatcher, and was known as "Shatzie the Scherrer," because he liked to cut off the ponytails of his victims. When the family moved to Indiana when Sigmund was 21, they changed their name from Gruber to Munson, and Sigmund changed from "Shatzie" to "Charlie."
Charlie quickly became known to police as a small time hood and bounced in and out of jail for a series of petty offences. He moved to California and continued his life of crime, and spent three years in Folsom Prison for burglary and armed robbery. He was released from Folsom on Parole about three months ago. When asked about Charlie's whereabouts, his Parole Officer, Quincy Magoo, said "I haven't seen him."
POLLY SHAVED IN ACT OF REVENGE
CHARLIE MUNSON SOUGHT-
LEADER OF THE CHOPPERS
MASQUERADING AS A POLICE OFFICER
By Cubbie Porter
Police have released the above photo of Charlie Munson taken by police surveillance cameras in front of Police Headquarters last Thursday evening at the time one of the infamous "Harley Choppers" DVDs was dropped off in front of police headquarters.
Police Chief O'Hara personally thanked this reporter for developing information linking Munson with the Choppers, and possibly being their mastermind. Apparently, Munson obtained a police uniform and has been monitoring police radio frequencies, which has helped the gang stay one step ahead of the law during their crime wave. It's also possible that Munson overheard police radio conversations identifyling Polly Tallywacker as the informant that provided information as to the gang's whereabouts last Wednesday. When police arrived at the gang's hangout, they were minutes too late, but captured much evidence indicating the gang had been there.
Other gang members have been identified by police as "Mongo" and "Fast Eddie," but police had no photos of these gang members.
AMAZING RESCUE OPERATION AMID FIERY GUN BATTLE
HOSTAGES SAFE- POLLY HAILED AS HERO
Editor's Note: This DVD is a fictional work. The actors and actresses appearing in this DVD are professionals. No "Buff Babes" were harmed in the making of this DVD. Arnold Schwartzenegger does not appear in this DVD. Three of the girls in this DVD have their hair clipped off to the scalp- Polly Tallywacker, Mia Twinkie and Frieda Fryem. The other girls got "bob" haircuts, and Tina Twinkie got a buzz cut.
We at HAIRCUT.NET do not condone giving anyone a haircut without permission. It's illegal, and it's immoral. If you want to give someone a haircut, ask for permission!!
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